mirror mirror

The say you have to know where your from

to know where your going

as if you have to carry a rear view mirror

every where you go
maybe that's the reason I don't drive

I don't look at the past but

the past looks at me.. it haunts me
constantly crawling in to my window

like the sun at the crack of dawn..
and then it dawns on me..
My past as much as my future
will always remind me of who I use to be

New Year... New Solution???
I laugh because I never complete my resolution

So far so good
will I be bound to repeat it
that mirror holds the answer


I just cant read it..
I tried and tried
to wipe the mirror clean

I still can't see it ...
maybe because the answer is inside me

There's no control to it
my mind is slowly tricked
I started to play silly games but ended up
the one who tripped.


The less the mirrors the less I see
how fragile it is to see
the person you can look at can deceive
facial expression can steer you
right in to deception

innocent, small minded and insecure
that's what my past holds

That person drove away what you most loved
I looked and stared I want you there
I looked and stared and I wanted you gone
I looked and stared I couldn't change my glare
I couldn't hold resentment to what happen
because everything that you hold right now
were made through the same facial expressions

and now you know better to make the right ones...
what ever that means
what continues to replay in my head is questioning
where's the mirror to my future

mirror mirror on the wall
what do you hold for me when I fall

Reapperance

I jumped... It wasn't the cold weather that startled me. I had been walking for a few minutes and all I could think of is the battered woman that I had encountered a of couple hours back. The little hairs on my arms stood up not because I realized that malice was among me but because I just saw someone that I didn't think I'd ever see again. My face was white as a ghost, I might as well seen a ghost . I struggled to keep my balance after walking on black ice. My heart stopped as I took a minute to get a hold of myself . My hair flipped up as I picked my head up and looked again... it was not longer there. It actually had never been there. He had never been there, not even the make of the car that I had sworn I seen him in was there. "What the hell is wrong with me, am I going crazy." I was officially going crazy after talking to myself in the middle of the sidewalk on a cold Bronx street. It was bad enough that there were people all around to see me as weak as I knew I was at that moment. Therefore they knew I was crazy, I just thought it. It had been my third unannounced hallucination and I was sick of it. I grabbed my phone with my frozen fingers and decided to share my suspicion of insanity with someone. I had thought she would comfort me. She didn't, she actually slapped me with a simple text telling me to get a hold of myself. That stung more than a bee on a spring day, it was bad enough that the cold was taking the feeling in my face, I was now being slapped with reality. I couldn't understand the subconscious flashbacks that were appearing uninvited. I swear it was going away, but as soon as that thought came in to my head it popped back up like a champagne bottle top. It wasn't going anywhere and I didn't know why. "Do you believe in signs" I repeated it to myself. I think I needed to ask myself that question before I'd asked anyone else. I knew that my opinion counted more than anything but I still needed reassurance. Why had this seemed like the coldest winter ever. I had lived in New York my whole life and this weather had no effect on me at all.. until now. I was hoping it was my last withdrawl faze. I had every right to go through this, it had been too long and too dark of a drive to just put the pressure on the peddle but I felt as if a deer had ran in my way.I had to switched roads with in the sound of a heart beat. It wasn't that easy and there was more likely to be an accident than just a swerved in the road. I walked back to my job and realized that as dark as the night was my heart had remained the same. For it wasn't dark and although there was a hole in it, it was slowly getting smaller with time or confidence. Whatever it was I knew that I always had someone to grab on to when the ice was black again and that was me.

Pondering ...

It's an unjust world ..
where tears don't seem to matter
the stream just knows it's place...
where people rip off others
and smile upon disgrace ...
I know this seems real cruel ..
but I'm so mad at him
he said his footsteps follow
but I can't understand where it went..

I think he lied to me..
he said he knows what's best
so what's this love around here for
I thought I"d be at rest


Why are you watching me..
watching what I do next
repeating the cycle I'd been through
why don't you help me fix my test?

There are sirens that follow me
Where I realize my life is a bloody mess
because that blood has taunted me
it has also stained my dress

It's not my turn I understand
it causes you to think
I still have to stand up quickly
but it hurts as I proceed
my knees
my heart
my body follows
the pain that seems a dream
the bruises darken deeply
I hope you know what I mean


I know I won't make the same mistake again
He taught me how to love
what he forgot to teach me
is how to love when it's moved on
they say it takes half the time
to have completely healed
but it hasn't even been half of half
to know that after all
the road won't clear

I contacted my inner strength
but it tells me it's out of service
I guess the forbidden fruit is not the sweetest
the bite can be a burden

The venom has taken over
It makes me feel out of place
the course was really brutal
But the bruises will fade someday

Sorry Abby

There's this little girl named Abby..
She smiles and glows and usually shows
she's happy
likes to always be on her feet
Always willing to show everyone she's really lovely
Dear Abby I know your sorrow
even that glows
She needs something.. or someone
there's just something missing ...
maybe it's her friend
he died and it wasn't long before she died too...
There were words that didn't come out her mouth
After that day past through
It was cold
but summer kept her warm
therefore she didn't notice
but she knew that day was different
the walk to the park
the blue lights that took part
of that moment
that instant when she received what was initially hers
how can you return what was so humbly given
it was wrapped up and secretly said
"Thank you but this is no longer instilled in me"
It was a moment of silence
but so much was said
if we were together I won't let you get out of bed
I'd keep you can I keep you?
But there was nothing that can keep you
He died that day the moment they walked away
She knew but denied it
She keep wanting to fight it ...
like he promised he would
he wrote it over and over and soon she understood
maybe just maybe Abby he meant it ..
he meant it when he said it ...
now the writing on the wall is different
it's written in cold black ink ...
it was repeated that day.. over and over
as he walked away ...
she walked too..
didn't look back but stumbling as she stood..
in front of her door she opened something she knew
a new beginning a new forth coming
I love you Abby
Don't be angry
It's not your fault
so what if you have faults ...
Abby God knows what he do..

That night
she put together a puzzle and even that was missing a piece
it was her heart she was building..
She frowned
she sighed but not one tear collided
Did he hear me?
Abby wondered and wondered
if her prayers had been answered...
she begged and teared for what seemed like a year
it was only a week.. but that week she didn't sleep
she cried and cried and looked out the window
she cried and cried and prayed as she smoked ..
those cigarettes made her feel like her soul was clogged with smoke
he had to hear you Abby
you had asked not to be
he heard you and complied to what seemed like a plead
he took any emotional feeling that you had ever been granted
she cried and cried the week before they parted...
I'm sorry Abby
not because you don't feel any more
but because you won't know what is to love
That's for sure...

Two Faced Ms. Devious

I want to keep my bandage on
but my finger wont heal with it's open wound
I want to sleep but my bed is too hot
I want to wrap myself with my blanket
but it's not even cold...
My hair looks good
but it would be better if I washed it
I want to call him
but I really have nothing to say...
I want to miss him but
I'm too busy ..
I want to feel guilty for what happened
but last time I checked I mended everything ...
I want to chose a career
But I'm afraid my two paths are very different
I want to step back but who will show face then ..
I want to give back but will I really make a difference
I set up my alarm clock three hours early
but for some reason I seem to hit the snooze
I need those black pair of boots but the three pairs
in my closet are yelling at me WHAT ANOTHER ONE FOR!
I seem to want to turn on this candle but the other one smells better
I felt the need to stay home
and do what my Mom expects a "good" daughter will do
but the screaming seems to driving me straight through the door
I want to leave the city
but my pocket is laughing at me
the bank seems to disagree while my loans are flashing
I want to write this and show it to no one
because you wouldn't understand ...
I want to call my friends but I know what they are doing
so what do we talk about then...
I want to meet different people but after 5pm hits
I rather walk home
I want to turn off the t.v and read that book I've been dying to
but how will I know what's going on in the world
I want to be around but invisible to everyone
I want this blog to be normal
but the font seems to tell me the opposite
I want to be me but I seem to question who that is anymore
I want to go to church because I feel that it will give me all the answers
but I'm afraid God is angry with me for not paying him a visit and
I want to fall asleep but all these things keep juggling around in my head....