Unlovable

Is it my thick skin,
or my black heart
I cant seem to understand where I feel apart
Is it my attitude or my silent face
I can't imagine when and where
my soul started to fade...

my words are hard to swallow
my actions pure as poison
but I warned you
I was unlovable ..
unlovable soul just fading

I couldn't bare to care
for my life is uncontrolling...
I reached out and didn't feel anyone
my hands must have been frozen...

I swore that I bleed blue
I didn't need to see it
I was an unlovable soul ..
As my heart was no longer feeling

It must be my eager soul
that reaches out and pushes
my unlovable soul warns others
that my soul is dark and beaten

I've learned to stay away
and slowly started to accepted it..
you can't love me .. I said to them
for I am far to broken...

i love

I love it when they play with my hair
even better when I fall asleep to it ..
I love to read and get inspired, I love to watch the sun set and the sun rise because it has more meaning than just night and day. I love to laugh uncontrollably, I love to spend time with friends and family, i love to stay in on Sunday's when it rains. I love drinking coffee in an outside restaurant on a cool spring day in Paris. I love to travel, I love to meet new people because it reboots my mind. I love to make up quotes, I love to write, I love to be inspired by people and there goals, I love children who behave, and i love those that don't even more. I love the color black and if I'm not wearing black it's white. I love messy hair, dark eyes and no makeup, i love how i look in the morning, i love the number 2 i love being cold i love black and white photo's i love the 40's era wish i was born in it. i love being in high place because I don't have any control of what could happen if I go down. I love the feeling of fear, i love the feeling of love, i love love letters. I love music, wetting only my feet, walking bear foot, pouting, pretty hair bows, mascara, candles, my room, getting a call from my friends saying that it's urgent when it's really gossip, shoe sale, or sangria's, i love the Caribbean but i prefer Europe, i love that i don't have control of my life, only he does :), i love how mj makes me feel, i love staying in and watching movies, i love screaming at the top of my lungs when I'm angry, I love being angry, i love feeling something, anything because at one point or another i never thought that would happen again, i love the Eiffel tower cause it was the only thing that was there to remember one of the best moments in my life, i love feeling loved.. i just love my life..

Seeking Serenity..

When I'm looking for peace of mind and some sense
of my thoughts concerning
life,
love
and my quest

I turn to books, quotes,
I turn to myself
to be alone sounds so negative
and in a way it's the most positive thing one can encounter
to self search for what you want
is extremely hard but rewarding
Those not daring enough to look
lack confidence and self love.

Some of my in the process book

I knew that having a pen in my hand would
reduce my headache at that point anything
would alleviate me . "You want to smoke:
I couldn't make a noise, my mouth just opened
but no sound came out.
As I moved my head up and down
the tears I was holding at the beds
of my eyes flew down. I just thought
"Again" I couldn't stop repeating the word
as it bounced around in my head.
That's the only word I knew at that moment.
I sat on my couch after my college graduation.
My parents had just left my apartment to drive back home.
3 hours didn't seem too bad for me since I was use to
making the trip but to them it was a death sentence.
I was willing to do anything at that moment
to hold my shrieks inside.
My parents noticed that my boyfriend of 4 years
and I were having problems. It might have been the reaction
that I let out when they asked for him, or maybe it was the
girl who showed up by his side after the ceremony.
"I thought you guys were together." My mom was always
his little shield, to her
I was always wrong when we were arguing but now
I was wrong for accepting the excuse "we're on a break, again"

Clockwork

They say time heals all wounds
So @ what time am I going to feel better this time
Maybe time should fast forward for a few seconds
and tell me that the next time would be the same
as the last time.
Maybe time forgot that last time ....
I was holding on to every breath and every second that past
Because last time I didn't think it was going to be the same

Maybe time forgot about me
like it forgot the number 13
13 times were the chances I gave you
the promises you broke... the times I spent
believing that the next time was going to be different
The only thing that was different this time is that
I didn't glance at my watch when the number 13 came up
that's when you told me
"This just wasn't our time"
How clever of me to switch to military time
I guess it was my time to know that it took time to
break me
make me
build me ,
in to a better person
Because I learned my lesson
from the last time
so next time I know..
I don't need that much time to know
that next time I won't look at my watch
to know when it's time to look at the next guy....

-written a long time ago ..

Built me up inside

I believe in signs
I believe that everything has it's purpose
it's reason it's season.
I believe that he exist and only he knows why
I believe that he can hold my hand but knows when to let it go
I believe that he tells me what to do knowing
that I choose to follow my own

I believe that he was there with me that night ...funny right ...
the night I committed a sin ...why must sin taste so good
it felt like no one should denied that blessing I couldn't undress it
All my flaws were out
All my secrets were laid out I had expected a shriek or a sigh
Something that would confirm my mind
it's thoughts
it's actions
it's dissatisfaction
I was sure he was going to turn backwards

Instead he stood, light like a candle expecting nothing more
nothing less
from something that we both did not see coming .
I couldn't hold it any longer, I felt my feelings guarded inside of me,
locked up for reasons that no longer belonged to me.
It no longer hide and it showed me that nothing is more scarier
than your own shadow frowning..
He trusted me so I trusted him
I know that this sin was too good not to give in

Memorable I might say but more like mind blowing
he's words inspired and reached every bone I was owning
I still feel him around although its been days and seas away
I will never forget that face he made

It was a sign towards the most powerful sin,
the sin that allowed me to give in
and it just goes to show if I had not taken those foots steps as a sign
I would have never opened up to something that I myself built inside..

Under the Paris Lights

Do you believe in love at first night ..

I shook my head no I was jaded I told him
To love again was not possible for me
He spoke I listen
I spoke, he listen
We held hands throughout the city of lights
Getting to know a stranger feels funny
after an hour he was no longer a stranger
We knew each others likes, dislikes
Political perspectives ,dreams, goals
Religions beliefs
Everything thing seemed to be layed out
And when there were no words left to say
Nothing else to know about each other
We decided to embrace our feelings
Given in to something bigger than ourselves
Something that drove us together that night
There was nothing to regret
for we lived in the moment,
followed our hearts our nerves
our feelings
nothing seemed out of place
because at that moment we were in the right place
I wish that moment would have lasted forever
I was a 24 year woman but that night
I felt it, my senses awoke
My heart again spoke and that night
Under the Paris lights I believed
I believed in love at first night.